When I was young I never dreamed of getting married. I never had a checklist of qualities I wanted in a guy. I never imagined my wedding, the colors, or where it would be.
Before I was a mother, I didn’t think about having kids. I didn’t pick baby names or colors for a future nursery.
You may call it selfish. I didn’t think much past what was happening then in my life. I didn’t have big dreams for my future, to be a stay-at-home mom, cook dinner every night, & support my husband.
Not that those things are bad, they aren’t. In fact, that is exactly what I do now-a-days.
But when I think back to when I was younger & try to remember what it was that I did think about, I remember one specific situation.
I was with my best friend from high school at a play in Hollywood. We were eating dinner or waiting outside or something, I can’t remember exactly. I saw this woman walk by. She was wearing a business suit, nice pumps, & carrying a briefcase. I remember saying “I don’t know what she does, but that’s what I want to be when I grow up.”
I wanted to be something. I wanted to run something, be in charge of someone, have my own company, do my own thing. I still want those things. And as hard as I try, I can’t run my husband, he is allll man. (and a good one at that)
So I sit here, writing a sort of confessional to you all.
I never wanted to be a mom. I never cared. It wasn’t on my to-do list.
I wanted to travel the world, see other countries, & experience other cultures.
I wanted to be free and independent and have my own thing,
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. With all my heart, a way I never knew I could love. And I have a good man as a husband who does everything he can to make sure I have some freedom.
It’s just that you read all these blogs about women who have only ever wanted to be a mom. Who have dreamed of becoming a wife and are now living the dream.
I can’t be the only one that wants more. I can’t be the only one who loves my littles but needs a sense of self, a sense of independence.
Truth be told, I want to conquer the world.
I know I am where God has me. I know he gave me kids for a reason. And even though sometimes I question whether or not I am fit to be a mom, I have to trust in God’s purpose & plan and he gave me my babes.
Now the ultimate test of balance. I want to love my kids and give them the world and create a memorable childhood for them. But I also want to run a business, bring in some moolah, & be independent.
I guess I kind of gave up the independence card when I got married, but there’s still a fire in my heart.
Sometimes I wish it was my dream, to be a wife & mom. Because then I’d be living the dream! I’d love laundry & cooking & serving my husband! Life would be so easy & fulfilling.
But I know my personality can’t be all that bad, it is what the Lord gave to me. But trying to find a balance between that fire in my heart to do something more and realizing that this is where I am now. This is my job now. It is number one.
So please tell me I am not the only one out there who’s felt this way? Whose dream wasn’t to be a wife and a mom but finds herself there.
And for those women out there balancing work/marriage/kids/life – what’s your trick? Any advice from this unorganized momma? I could really use some help!